Stories Behind my Drawings

The holidays are a special time for me, from Thanksgiving straight into the New Year and onto Easter. It’s a very spiritual time for me, full of special meditations, rituals, deep reflections, and at times, challenges. I thought it’d be fun to share the drawings I’ve done over the past year. But not just any drawings. These are special drawings inspired by visions I received during meditations. They are all nature based. Many are in the form of animals, especially birds. For whatever reason, that is how messages are delivered to me.  After I am visited by an animal–whether it be in the form of a vision during a session or the animal itself–I often feel the need to create some sort of artwork from it. The visions are also very colorful. Here are some drawings based on the visions I’ve had over the past year, including small blurbs about the messages they contained for me.

I’ve see the peacock a couple of times. The last time I saw it, the peacock told me the dark times I was experiencing would pass. He came to bring color to my life once again.

The  first time the tiger came to me, he emerged out of tall, bright green grass, sat in front of me, and told me not to be afraid of what was ahead of me. That it was something beautiful I was going into. This was in regards to the new relationship I was entering four years ago with my S.O. The second time the tiger appeared he again told me not to be afraid, because he (God) was always with me and would not let me fall.

Although the phoenix is a mythological creature, it’s always been one of my favorite animals. I was very excited when it showed up. It told me I would rise up again out of the ash around me and be even stronger.

The buffalo came to me during a struggle that involved great conflict between me and someone else. The buffalo came to tell me that the most stubborn fall the hardest.

This field was shown to me in a vision during a session. It symbolized that I had reached a new level in my spiritual growth and awareness.

Sometimes I receive messages pertaining to others around me or I am acquainted with. This drawing was an indication that someone around me was lost but would eventually find the Light.

I saw the robin one day when I was leaving my house. I knew it had come to deliver a message, because there was some shadow hiding it. Not an ominous shadow, but a type of secrecy in order to say “This is only for you to know.” It came to tell me new beginnings were ahead.

The rainbow bird came found me to say someone around me was going through dark times, but they would overcome it and shine.

The blue jays came to me last April. Like the robin, they had that same secrecy about them in the form of being shaded. I did some research and found the meaning of blue jays is answered prayers. Shortly after the blue jays came to me, a situation I had been praying about turned around. The blue jays came to tell me God heard my prayers and was answering them.

I shared my most recent drawing in a previous post. I was having doubts about whether or not I would be able to get through a difficult period, when the swan emerged. It told me, despite my worries, I would overcome my situation gracefully and learn from it. Swans also stand for divine connection, symbolizing my relationship with God is strong. The willows stand for  intuition growing stronger. Yellow stands for joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you enjoyed my artwork and the stories behind the drawings. Symbols differ for everyone. Just follow your gut to find the answer that is seeking you. If you’d like to see some other drawings, you can check out my Sketchbook, Some Drawings, and Mandala Drawings. 

Claim the Crud

A few years ago, a co-worker held a workshop and introduced Brain Gym to a few of us at work. Brain Gym is a series of movements and processes that are used to help children improve coordination, memory, range of motion, focus, academic skills, and attitude. I was very interested in Brain Gym’s philosophy, because that was also the time I was starting yoga. Even though they are different practices, they both utilize physical movement to stimulate the mind and enhance physical abilities.

Another aspect I found interesting, is information about positive word choice my co-worker gave me along with the Brain Gym information packet. On a piece of paper was a list of common phrases, such as “Im sorry.” There were at least a page full of phrases such as this one, but this phrase is the one I want to focus on for this post. The phrases were listed in a column labeled something along the lines of “Negative Wording.” In a column right next to it, under “Positive Wording”, was another way to say the phrases. For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry,” the more positive saying listed was “I apologize.” “I apologize” is more positive than  “I’m sorry,” is because the former phrase allows the person saying it to take responsibility for his/her actions. “I’m sorry” is an apology, but it also negatively identifies with the person apologizing.

As I wrote in my previous post Adjusting the Sails, I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger and having a challenging time processing it. As I was doing my focus meditation earlier tonight, I remembered how I was often advised by several people, as well as a few books, to not use the words “I am….” when describing how I feel. The advice was always to say “I feel angry” instead of “I am angry,” as to not identify with a negative emotion and become attached to it. I then remembered the list of positive/negative phrasing, and realized it’s not always a bad thing to personally identify with negative emotions. 

I realized I had to identify the anger as mine, in order to take responsibility for it. Attempting to let go of the anger was not working for me, because in my core I felt I was shying away from my part in it. Yes, the anger I feel is towards people I feel did me wrong, whether they meant or not, but I still had a part to play in it. No matter what, I still had, and continue to have, a responsibility for my own feelings. Claiming the anger as mine is a step towards taking that responsibility, which will someday lead to forgiveness. I also feel it is healthy for me, because it helps me to accept what I am going through and process it more truthfully by ridding it of judgement. It is also a way for me to chip away at my bad habit of internalizing my feelings and trying to sweep them under the rug.

 Stability takes balance. Balance takes practice. Sometimes, a lot of practice.

Claiming negative emotions as your own has its purpose. 

At times it’s even necessary.

 

Adjusting the Sails

I’ve been putting off writing this particular post in hopes I will suddenly have the answer on how to forgive someone you felt hurt you, but it’s time for me to write it. With or without an answer.

I don’t know how to forgive someone. I know I’ve done it before, but I can’t say exactly how I did it. I know for one person in particular, there had to be a lot of time and distance, both physically and emotionally, for us to be able to put the past behind us and move forward. Other times, I knew I had to forgive someone, because the bigger picture meant more to me. Although I felt afraid of letting go of those old feelings, I knew they weren’t good for me or the other people who were impacted by my relationships with those people. Therefore, I knew it was healthier taking the chance of  moving forward.

It seemed easier back then.

For some reason, probably due to exhaustion and stress, I was feeling a lot of anger last month up until about  a week ago. Everything was felt like a struggle. The colitis had been flaring for over a month. My mind was on loop, thinking about how I felt different people abandoned me when I was a kid and even as an adult. Thinking about how people I trusted took advantage of my trust, over stepped my boundaries, and made me feel like nearly everything that went wrong was my fault. I don’t know what triggered all of that. I remember thinking to myself:

I hate everything I’ve been through. I don’t care if it all made me who I am today. I hate everything that was done to me. I hate how it makes me feel damaged and incompetent, how I can’t speak up as easily as others can. Hate what certain people might think if they knew I was going through this. I hate I worrying about what they might say. I HATE MYSELF FOR IT ALL.

I felt drained and very irritable a majority of the time, and figure that had a lot to do with it. But this time, it felt different. Small things irritated me. Like, really irritated me. Scorched my nerves-type-of irritated. That’s not like me.

I remember reading an analogy about a boat on a stormy ocean. It said when a storm hits, the pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.  

I did my best to adjust the sails as best as I could. I imagined steering my boat through the angry waves, the water tossing my boat up and dropping it down, the rain stinging my eyes and cheeks. Despite the lightning, the thunder bolts, the freezing wind, I kept going. I made sure to stay on top of my school work, to go to work, meditate, do the little things I enjoyed for myself in order to decompress. For the most part I kept it to myself. Eventually, I told my S.O. about how I’d been having a hard time feeling grounded and the anger I’d been feeling. I did my best to focus on the big picture, to concentrate on why I was working so hard. But last weekend, during an argument with someone, I snapped.

I let my anger get the better of me, because I felt like I was not being listened to. I got so overtaken by my frustration that I repeatedly pounded my fists against my thighs and slapped my arms. It was that or wreck the kitchen. The argument wasn’t horrible. But it triggered something in me. Triggered a bad blend of exhaustion and fear I hadn’t felt in a long time. I managed to make it through a rough year, but that argument brought back the memories of it. Mainly, because the argument was going nowhere. The shouting. The defensiveness. Feeling second and inadequate. Wasted time. Wasted energy. Both people feeling like they weren’t being listened to.

A shit storm, but not the worst shit storm.

Honestly, the worst part was when I allowed myself to fall. The bruises on my thighs still haven’t healed. They’ve turned my skin a sickly shade of black and yellow. I feel ashamed and embarrassed at letting that part of myself take over and be seen. I’d add it to the regret I was letting myself live in for the weeks up until that night, but the wiser part of me said “You see where regret has brought you. Now, you know it’s not worth it.”

It’s strange to remember there was a time when all that was my reality. A constant swarm of darkness growing and growing. I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay.

What I thought was okay, what I thought was normal, almost killed me.

Not saying I don’t forgive anyone. I can forgive, but I cannot put it into words, which seems to be important for me. Probably because I have a fear of forgiveness. I feel afraid that if I forgive someone, then that makes whatever they did okay. That my forgiveness will be taken advantage of and abused. And worse, it’ll be my fault for getting hurt or stepped on.

It’s hard for me to stand up for myself without feeling like I am doing something wrong or like my voice is being crushed. I struggle with who I feel I really am on the inside and who is presented on the outside. The outside feels so false, but difficult not to portray. It is my shield, protecting the better part of me that lives inside. Even though that part does not need the protection.  I struggle with balancing the two sides properly.

Regret. Anger. Bitterness. None of it is worth it.

I cannot say I am able to let them all go completely. Regret, I know, is not worth it. The anger has died down, although, certain walls remain up. It’s a tough habit I am working to break, along with not internalizing my feelings. That’s probably the worst habit. Right now, I feel I am on pause. I am focused on the small things: finishing the semester, cleaning the apartment, getting through work and onto vacation, enjoying Christmas. Hopefully this Sunday I will get around to writing that memoir vignette about my father that I’ve been wanting to write.

As of right now, the winds seem calm and the sky clear. Calm winds make it easier to adjust the sails. And one day, I’ll know how to put forgiveness into words and conquer the fear once and for all.

The Dark Side of the Eagle and Chameleon

The other night during my assessments class, our professor did a fun exercise with us to introduce Adlerian personality priorities. He showed us a slide with four animals: an eagle, a lion, a tortoise, and a chameleon. Then, he asked us to pick which one we identified with. After we each chose our animals, he asked us to choose a second one.

My first animal was the eagle. I felt very excited when I saw the picture of the eagle soaring high in the sky. I knew I chose it, because I’ve been feeling stuck  and enjoyed the feeling of freedom the eagle evoked. I was surprised to learn the meaning behind the eagle, according to Adlerian personality priorities, is superiority. Like with all things, there is a positive meaning and a negative meaning. A positive form of superiority is linked to high motivation and ambition to accomplish goals. It represents a drive to be capable and achieving. On a negative note, however, it can also stand for needing to compare yourself with others in order to feel validated.

Yes, I am very determined, motivated, self-sufficient, and accomplish whatever I set my mind to. However, I’ve also held myself above others. Mainly, they were times I felt frustrated or somehow disrespected by someone. Most of the time, I compared myself  to others when I felt disappointed by them. My frustration would often get the better of me, and instead of being compassionate, I would be hard. The tough love would come out, because I figured if I could make it on my own, there was no excuse for someone else not to be able to stand on their own.

If I could manage multiple jobs and go to school, so could this person.

If I could make sacrifices in order to pay bills and take care of priorities, so could that person.

If I could find a way to finance school, stick to a budget, or live on my own, there was no reason for a healthy, functioning person not to be able do the same.

Realizing I’ve been a judgmental hard ass on multiple accounts was a punch in the gut. Truthfully, as proud as I am to having managed on my own, I also hate it at times. That anger has come out as envy whenever I encountered people who grew up a little more privileged. People who had their parents around to bail them out, spot them cash whenever they needed it, or didn’t hound them to get a full time job to sustain themselves. Maybe they weren’t the most privileged people, but it still irked me how they seemed to have it easier.

My connection to the eagle also made me realize I felt a lot of disdain towards the tortoise, which represents comfort. 

I hate comfort.

Don’t get me wrong. I love collapsing in my own bed after a long day or throwing on a large sweater, wool socks, and curling my fingers around a hot cup of coffee while watching my favorite HGTV show. But I strongly dislike settling for what is considered comfortable. As I said before, I am very driven.  I know what my dreams and goals are, and more importantly, I know what I am capable of. It would be very easy for me to settle in my life right now and just coast along the rest of my days. But I don’t do easy. Yes, I hate whenever I have to struggle, but the bigger picture and it’s possibilities is worth much more in my eyes.

Another surprise was realizing when my second animal, the chameleon, surfaced. This surprised me, because it took me back to when I was still dating my high school boyfriend. After we graduated high school and my mother got married, I chose to stay in Jersey City. His family invited me to stay, and I accepted because I did not want to give up my life here and move to upstate New York. I could not afford to rent my own place, so although I knew our relationship had been toxic for years, staying with him and his family was the only option I had back then.

During that time, there was a lot of turmoil within my family: angry fights almost daily, separation of family members, and mental abuse. As a result, I was suffering from major depression and doing what I could to just make it through each day without wanting to put a permanent end to everything. My self-esteem was extremely low as a result of the turmoil and relationship I was in. But I chose to stay in that bad relationship, because it was still comfortable and familiar. My self-esteem was so low, that I went along with having sex with my boyfriend when I didn’t really want to. He would try to coerce me into having sex, and I would say no. But he’d keep pushing me and start making fun of me. He’d make me feel guilty by shaking his head and giving me dirty looks until I gave in.

I feel ashamed admitting I didn’t like a boy teasing me. I didn’t like how he was able to make me feel guilty like I had done something wrong by saying “No.” But I did not know how to stand up for myself at the time and did not know where I would go if he got mad and his parents threw me out. I convinced myself it was all normal. That the same thing happens between all boyfriends and girlfriends.

I remember telling my aunt about how I’d slept with my ex when I didn’t really want to. She told me I was doing what I needed to do in order to survive at the time. There was no judgement from her, just understanding and compassion. But I felt wrong and dirty. I hated myself. I didn’t like what I did. I didn’t want to do it, but something in me went through with it for a sort of survival. The chameleon came out in me to please my ex in order to feel validated and survive.

It took me a long time to be able to say no and not need a significant other to make me feel validated. Unfortunately, that ex boyfriend was not the last guy to make me feel pressured or put me in an uncomfortable situation.

The Adlerian personality exercise started off fun and quickly turned heavy for me, as it made those realizations come forward. They were things I’ve always known, but I never really made the connection until the other night. I cringe thinking about how I’ve held myself above others out of fear and how I did things I did not want to do just to please old boyfriends. It’s not easy moving myself forward to be productive about everything and take responsibility where I need to. But the class exercise made me realize the type of person I want to be and the type of of person I know I don’t want to be.

Mask

This is a poem I wrote earlier in the week about living with an unpredictable chronic illness for the past 20 years.

 

I like the pretending.

Enjoy keeping it all hidden somewhere inside,
                                          Unseen.

Place a smile in front of the blood.

Lock the tears behind a closed door,
             With only the four walls to see,
                         hear.

Push a part of myself forward,
                The part
Who can pretend she’s invincible
                Like she used to be,

Shrugging off the disease,
Waving it off,
             As if it were a mere buzzing little gnat.

Pretend
             I am once again
             Living the days
                           Fearless and naiive.

Pretend
             I am not afraid
            Of the progression,
            The compromise,
            The disease.

                              Of the part of myself behind the closed door.

                              Fool myself,
                                           Into thinking I do not hate myself for it.